Hi :).

Its good to be back. Lets just get the school stuff out of the way.

I had to email them over several days to understand what was going on, but my circumstance was accepted, and ill be taking both exams roughly a week from now with students who havent passed, but with it as my first attempt, meaning ill thankfully get a second shot.

Its a small win, hopefully I wont even need it, only 3 or so students from the whole centre are even resitting to begin with so it gives me confidence the exams werent hard to pass anyways, but given this is what dictates whether I go to university or not, I dont take it lightly.

Of course, thats not the only reason why ive been gone so long though. All things considered, I should have made a new post by now, even earlier than yesterday, but I found myself to be quite tired.

Taking care of all the built up chores and new flat stuff + wrapping up some family drama and reconnecting with friends + looking for a new flat has been busying, but ive been able to deal with things pretty nicely all things considered, even if it feel like im barely holding on as it always does >:].

Now that a lot of it is out of the way though, lets talk. Though my birthday was a while ago at this point, id still like to delve into it (or at least, what surrounds it).

Im finally 19, though “finally” isnt really the right wording, I was never exactly waiting for this moment or anything. Its weird to have made it this far, not that I ever thought I wouldnt, but just that so much has changed, and that things have gone by quite quickly. People have come, people have gone. Ive seen new things, ive revisited a lot of old media, ive thought a lot of new things through, im itching towards being a college student. All the while, I dont feel that much different than I was before.

Its like I just got tossed around a lot by life, and I finally landed on my feet.

Actually probably more like getting tossed, landing, getting tossed, and landing over and over again with no end in sight, but still the person being tossed is always the same. Whatever cuts or bruises or even cool new shit I get from getting thrown around havent ever felt like a change in ME, you know?

Still though, its an interesting thought that my mind has lingered on for a while, am I the same person I was when I was 18? 17? My default answer has always that yea, I basically havent changed one bit, and that most of the changes ive gone through only ever reflected me shedding off thoughts and ideas that weaseled their way into me through public conscience and insecurity, or by other means.

And although I think theres a lot of merit in me realizing that, I find that my ideals have always leaned a particular way, theres definitely more to it than that. Ive added a lot to me that I never thought I would add. Just the act of living alone sort of does that to you.

Of course theres the obvious stuff, like learning to cook and clean, but theres also additions to smaller aspects of myself, like my speech. I dont act the same as I did two years ago. I was more erratic and jumpy, but also very shy depending on the circumstances. Now, I feel much more lax in that department, not that I dont get just as erratic when I talk, I DO, but, I guess that I feel a bit more composed than I used to be, and not just in the sense that I can be more calm, but also that I can identify more of myself.

Its been an ongoing process, but the fun of getting past any stigmas that are still lurking around in my brain has been pretty fun, since I get to enjoy a lot of what I used to love back in early high school that I wouldnt let myself enjoy later on given how people would see things.

Watching animators like aimkid and other animation videos and animatics that I used to put off for the sake of not embarrassing myself, revisiting japanese pop songs and artists I used to love, playing through all the old classic sonic games again, just drawing more in general in the common room for everybody to join in on and on my own time for the fun of it, these things dont feel like they ever werent there, werent a part of me, but theyre parts of myself that I obfuscated quite intentionally, all with varying degrees of success.

Now that I do have the freedom to do all these things though, im quite refreshed by it, I feel a lot more whole than I used to.

So, in terms of change, its not like im wholly a different person now, but I also dont think its fair to say im the same either. At the very least, I have a better understanding of who I am, and I can do more than I used to (even if many times I was just too embarrassed for most of it (still am sometimes)). Ive worked on a lot and opened a lot of stuff back up, but that also just ends up showing me how much stuff there is for me to work on. I still have a lot more dumb trolley problems to think through, more games to play, more doodles to draw. Its nice :).

Im excited to continue playing, whether it be games or the piano, im excited to doodle more, im excited to cook more yummy food. Most excitingly though, im excited at the prospect of being more of who I am. I cant wait to know myself better a few weeks or months from now, having thought through more dumb shit.

So yea, nice birthday :). If your wondering what happened ON that day, it wasn’t much, just like I told you two posts ago :p. A lot of people wished me a happy birthday though, so thank you to everyone who did, it meant a lot and I really appreciated everyone who stopped by that day.

Funnilt enough though, there was also Femtanyl and Inabakumori both posting singles on my birthday, which was crazy cool, and I loved listening to both, these were nice treats to end the day on (Im lying, I found Ina’s l8r (still cool though x)))

https://youtu.be/_lAyonVMuls?si=CDZbx_JVgultm8iI

https://youtu.be/IJN0piNZhBE?si=GJ_zncoCT3RIUP9g

Anywho, I hope you guys dont mind if I end the post a bit early this time around. I still have a lot to talk about, but I honestly dont have it in me at the moment, ill probably just go finish deltarune or continue danganronpa 2 for now. Still though, I hope you enjoyed this small catch up.

Ill be seeing you guys. Take care of yourselves, bye now :).