Exams are finally over. I’ve had all the time in the world to relax, have fun and be by myself. it’s been great :). I’m starting to realize the manosphere I was part of all those months ago was quite shit, but it is what it is. Other than that I’ve been trying to draw, don’t really care if it’s bad right now. It’s quite fun. As long as I keep it up, I’ll be able to draw from my imagination some day, and it doesn’t really matter when I reach that point, as long as I do reach it.

Something that’s been bothering me quite a lot though is my attachment to self optimization. This nagging feeling that I need to optimize every part of my day is getting to me. People doing things I feel I should already be doing is making me lose it, makes me feel as though I’m lagging behind. It’s not fun. I’ve dreamt several times of other people accomplishing my goals, goals I might not have even started. Specifically, making a video game. It’s quite silly. So instead of learning python first and just jumping from file to file with only a few lines of code and no real end goal(which don’t get me wrong, is fun in it’s own right), I’ve decided I’ll try Harvard’s CS50x course first. From what I know, it starts off with Scratch, one of the C languages(don’t remember which one), and THEN python. Sticking to the rigid structure of the course, along with getting to try out the 2 other languages mainly used for making video game creation(from what I understand) will be a nice way to see if I’m really cut out for it. Ill start from tomorrow(technically today, Sunday, yknow what I mean :p).

Despite that seemingly shit feeling, oddly enough I feel amazing right now. I’ve been attending German classes regularly(and will hopefully catch up this week) and drawing has been really fun, so I’m making progress. Ill still have to start studying for AP computer science principles and calculus, but I’m confident I’ll be able to fit them in my schedule. I do need to get back on my workouts too, I’ve missed a couple of days, but I’ll have no problem with that.

I also just feel alive being alone again. I could honestly do it all day. Just sit in a room alone with my thoughts and no distractions. There’s so much to figure out about myself, and it’s such an experience trying out new hobbies. I don’t feel lonely, essentially. Not that I ever was lonely, I have great friends, just that I feel reinvigorated after sitting down on by myself and thinking about the world. It feels real. I feel authentic to myself. It’s nice :p.

In all honesty I have no idea who, other than myself, will read these and what you’ll think after reading all this. Whether its just family, friends. Whoever you are, thanks for reading so far :).